"For I did not come to call the righteous but the sinners."

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

-Romans 8:26-27

I praise God for scriptures like this, on nights like these, after days, months, years like this.  

I try too hard...

to control, to feel, to do, to believe.

I am battling between works and grace, along with a heart devoted to Christ being pulled by the world’s lies.  Even after trying different methods of prayer and reading, I still feel numb to the blissful sensation of God's overwhelming power, might and love in his provision.  

Because I want to feel him, not just know him.  but if I am honest, only on my own terms...

How quickly I forget the joy I experienced from him this morning as he unexpectedly answered a prayer. Now, I want that surprising rush of excitement again.  I want to meet him once more and for it to never fade.  I almost try to force it, but, only so far for so long.  Because it is all about “I”… not Him.  

I do not want to give up luxuries, like food or wait on my knees for 30 minutes, let along 3 hours.  So I distract myself.  Watch TV, look at Facebook, surf the web.  Only to feel emptier, number, And I struggle with my human sinful self, wishing I were righteous until I stumble on more hope:

"For I did not come to call the righteous but the sinners." 

-Matthew 9:11b

God has come to call on and meet with me, a sinner, lost, and broken prideful. It is so beautiful.  Closing my eyes, I reflect on that, waiting.  I see a blue sky turning pink and purple, clouds with skirts of rain high above as the sun sets.  Then, in this feeling-less dessert the word of God comes to fight the whispering lies: 

"You are not a true believer."  

"You are not good enough."

No, no I am not good enough but, praise God for pursuing me and that my recognition of my lack drives me to seek him back.  

Even if my pursuit is nothing compared to his.  

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17