A Story of Depression and Redemption..

October 02, 2012

A Story of Depression and Redemption..

"Steer clear of the barking dogs, those religious busybodies, all bark and no bite. All they’re interested in is appearances—knife-happy circumcisers, I call them. The real believers are the ones the Spirit of God leads to work away at this ministry, filling the air with Christ’s praise as we do it. We couldn’t carry this off by our own efforts, and we know it—even though we can list what many might think are impressive credentials.
You know my pedigree: a legitimate birth, circumcised on the eighth day; an Israelite from the elite tribe of Benjamin; a strict and devout adherent to God’s law; a fiery defender of the purity of my religion, even to the point of persecuting the church; a meticulous observer of everything set down in God’s law Book.."

-Philippians 3:2-6

The emotions were strong.

They started about a week ago Thursday.

Stress from school,

stress from home,

stress about my career plans,

stress about my life plans,

stress about my heart,

stress about my actions.

Stress about my uncontrollable apathy toward my actions.

It was like, I was afraid of failing so I did not even try.

I did not study, I could not study, literally, I tried and all I felt was clouded, confused and distracted.

As the days moved on the cloud got darker, deeper, lonelier..

I began to ask questions, I began to question..

"Where was God in all of this? Why is this world so dark? Why am I so unmotivated? Why can't He just tell me what I am supposed to do with my life? Why me? Why am I so blessed and others not? Why even though I try so hard to do what is right, I always end up doing wrong?"

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

-Philippians 3:10-11

Looking for Him, I watched my home church's service from the previous Sunday, "Solitude: The Coach You Need to Win" by Jason Miller.

It spoke right to me, I cried. I felt him calling me to give up my favorite thing, and I neglected to..
And my slow journey to strengthened trust in Him began..

I was begging to feel Him near, and all week I did not feel Him.

I felt lonely, I cried out to Him, asked him,

"give me motivation for studying,

show me what you want me to do with my life,

help me to better understand your love,

speak to me.."

It was like He did just the opposite, like He left me..

Wednesday night I shared with a roommate my loneliness, my current struggles, my past.

She shared hers, how she felt lonely too, how she struggled to understand, and she shared her past. She gave me hope,

nevertheless, the clouds remained.

As a week passed, from Thursday to Thursday, it was as if things had only gotten worse.
God felt further.
I decided to finally do what He had asked me to do all week,
to give up what I love most and spend time with Him...

The light slipped in a little.

With an exam in the morning, and no productive studying done, I had a choice:

I could stay home and study or go to The Well and worship.

I choose the latter hoping the darkness would leave.

The worship was great, the music was moving,

it was what I needed, but it was not enough.

I came home and studied, but still bogged down with apathy for school I headed to bed with only a couple hours of studying under my belt. "I'll wake up early and get some in," I told myself.

At nine in the morning I sat down to take my test and laughed, the entire exam was exactly what I had studied, the only problem was, I did not remember how to do them, just recognized their familiarity.

During the exam, I did not manage my time.

I did not finish.

Worst of all I did not care..

I was disgusted,

with myself,

with God.

He said He would never let me fall, why was He not answering me when I asked Him for help? Couldn't He see I was struggling, that I was too weak..

that I needed Him?!

Why did He let me so poorly manage my time these past few weeks.

Why was He letting this cloud consume my mind and override my normal actions.

Another choice arose,

I could wallow in my self-pity,

choose to be alone,

choose not to study for my exam on Monday.

I came back to my Hillsdale house and did the only thing I knew I could do well,

I cleaned.

I cleaned the bathroom

I cleaned the floors,

I cleaned my room,

I cleaned the kitchen.

Once there was no more cleaning, I started to reorganize.
Everything appeared to be organized and fine, but I did it anyway..

I started with my closet,

then I did my bathroom things,

then I did the kitchen.

The whole time I felt like I was overlooking my problems, ignoring them.

I sensed God was calling me to my knees.

I kept cleaning, kept organizing.

I headed to Saga for lunch,

food, what I love.

The thought of it made me nauseous,

I ate anyways, more than my fill.

I wanted to feel something, so I choose to feel sick.

Who was I?

What was I doing to myself?

What was wrong with me?

Where was God?

I talked with a friend there, we talked about our loneliness.

We made the decision to call each other when we felt alone.

We made a plan of prevention.

I felt a little more light..

I came home, I asked Him, "help me, because I can obviously not help myself."

I sat down.

I started studying.

I sent texts of encouragement to others.

My Saga friend asked to share dinner with me,

she came over.

I studied and cooked for us.

She ate, I tried..

food still sounded horrible.

She decorated cupcakes.

We talked, we shared.

The darkness remained but light was creeping in..

When another of my roommates, Amber, came home it was time to head to the Hillsdale County Fair to get photos for my photo class.

I did not want to go.

It was cold outside,

it was cold in my heart.

The combination was not appealing.

I had a duty,

I went.

So did He.

I told Amber my problems, of my fear of what I was feeling.

I have felt depression before, but never one resulting in loss of actions.

Before my depression was hidden, it was behind closed doors.

It did not affect my daily world life, only my secret alone time.

This was new, this was scary, this consumed everything.

It was mental and somatic.
I had no control.

And no matter how hard I prayed, I felt nothing, I was numb.

We walked the fair streets,

I took pictures.

Then

I met up with a couple.

Two of my dearest friends..

Their presence was like a spark,

their spirits and words, though short, were like a fire.

I felt warm, I saw The Light in them.

We parted,

I felt warm. I spotted Hope.

I got a text.

I was an aunt

Sophia Marie File

8 lbs. 8 oz. of pure
love,

joy,

peace,

patience,

kindness,

goodness,

faithfulness.
gentleness.

New life.

The fire inside raged.

Amber and I ate.

It tasted good,

I felt free.

We ran into friends,

I shared my news.

I made plans for breakfast in the morning.

Plans to share God's goodness, strengthen a new friendship.

Encourage and be encouraged.

We headed home.

I studied.

I sent texts encouragement to others.

I did not want those possibly experiencing the same as me to feel alone.

Because I could now see I was never alone.

When I was lonely, someone else was too.

I went to sleep.

I woke up.

Hannah came over.

We cooked.

We talked.

We ate.

We walked.

We lived.

We shared.

The darkness loomed faintly.

The brightness was gaining strength.

I got ready.

I did not want to go but I headed to the game.

I saw good friends.

As the day carried on,

I felt stronger,

but still weak,

still alone.

Surrounded by all these people,

friends..

alone.

Why?

I came home.

I cleaned again.

I thought about my week.

I thought about my life.

I thought about my plans.

Friends called.

I went out with them.

I enjoyed their company,

I watched the people out.

Sat and thought about their hearts.

Which of them were lonely with a happy face?

Why had I decided to choose Christ?

The next morning I headed to church.

Pastor Keith talked about "Chinks" in our armor.

How Solomon the wisest man to ever walk the Earth had one "chink" that resulted in years of problems.

Women.

What is my chink?

It was all too clear to me.

Self-affirmation.
Self-control

My biggest enemy,

my mind.

I still felt emotionless.

But now, I could take action.

So I did.

I studied for my exam Monday.

I felt distractions calling,

I asked God for focus.

He gave it.

Monday came.

I studied.

I took the test,

It was not cake, but I was prepared.

Monday was okay,

Today was better.

Monday was busy; due dates, focus, being active when I had put off and delayed all the week before.

Tuesday, Today, I woke up ready for relaxing, for planning.
For gaining the thing I was lacking, self-control.

Totally unprepared and unexpected, I finally got to a video a friend had posted on my Facebook.

She told me to share it with the middle school girls at the lock-in this Friday.

Not ready, I started watching as I ate my breakfast.

It began, and I knew it was coming.

I knew it was His story.

The story of how He loved me so much,

no matter what I did

how I ignored Him

He was there.

That He gave what He loves most,

to save many.

That pain, hurt, and sorrow happen

because we want what we want, when we want it.

because we are selfish.

because we trust in ourselves.

because we turn away.

We take control,
we loose self-control.

He did not say, as Christians, we would never face hard times.

But he did say if we hold onto Him through them, we will come out stronger.

Words from a book I read this summer and blogged about came back to me:

"'When my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back' (Exodus) 33:22-23. Is that it? When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand?"

-Ann Voskamp

God was protecting me from myself.

From trusting in my ways.

From continuing to turn to others for the complete satisfaction that truly is only found in Him.
I never knew learning to have self-control took completely giving up my control to Him.

He knew the events that needed to occur in order to answer a prayer I had asked for.

I wanted to better understand His sacrifice, to be truly thankful, so that I would give up to Him, even what I loved most...
Because He did...

I watched this video this morning, and found myself completely broken, crying, cleaning my soul out to Him.

Feeling his love and understanding that he was reorganizing my soul, the same way I had reorganized the kitchen.

Because although it had appeared alright to the world,

it still needed lots of improvement to achieve its greatest potential.

"Thank you,

Lord,

for loving me too much to leave me where I was,

for answering even the smallest of prayers. For filling my day with reminders that I was not alone, even though I overlooked them at the time. For giving me an opportunity to share You with others. For helping me better understand your ways. For strengthening my trust, reliance, and love of you even though I hated it at the time, like a child hates the discipline of a parent. I see now. May you use this post to help others who need it. May you use me to be a light in the darkness. Thank you for never letting me go, even when I questioned You and your ways. Thank you for the free will to even ask questions of You, my Maker, and thank you for answering them. Thank you that our relationship is personal, and active. Help those who are hurting, help me help those who are hurting. I do not want them to feel alone the way I have. You are God, your ways are good. Thank you for helping me understand, and feel again."

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

-Philippians 3:12-21

We are not alone.

It may not be easy,

but it is worth it.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen"

-Philippians 4:4-20

It takes practice to do well.

It takes sacrifice to go far.

It takes determination to achieve your desires.

We are not suppose to do it alone.
We need to give up our control,
ask for help,
to get help.
Star athletes need coaches
people of authority over them with ultimate control,
so that the athlete can learn what action to take next.

Quarterbacks have to wait for the calls to be made,
they do not know the play three snaps away.
That will be the coaches call.
But after a time they will be able to guess the play the coach will call in a given situation.