The unlovable lie

"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.  But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator."

-Colossians 3:5-10

I lean back, hard, into the seat pausing to catch myself.  The knife turns sharp and my throat sores dry as a lump quickly forms in sync with the growing glisten in my eyes.

  The unlovable lie.  

Because I feel beaten and I do not want to stand anymore.  Because no one asked, so no one cares.  And my heart is in the wrong place anyways.  So, there is no point in reaching out when I am in the wrong.  Nevertheless Lord, I trust you to provide what I need because you do care and you are listening.  You know why I am going through this.  It is in you that I trust for even those closest to me will fail me and I will fail them...

I tell myself it is okay to feel this pain and hurt but it is not okay to be resentful of others.  Because I love them regardless.  And their part is significant but His place is more important.  So, do not let them take His spot.  And thank you Lord for these reminders of your faithfulness and why you are to be our Rock and not things or people of this world.

I breathe deep, and open the door to a world full of lonely people.  Looking up, I smile and catch the hopeful eyes of a fellow shopper as she leaves and a reminder flashes that it is the simple things that can change a day.  

He surrounds me with great friends, with good wisdom, that remind me honesty is important and sometimes we are all forgetful.  That it is okay to not know and ask for favor however, it is not okay to doubt God's goodness or fail to love others.  That good things are worth waiting for and quick fixes never satisfy.  

In reflection, I see the Liar has slipped in and blinded me to the truth that as my security in this world has failed, my security in Christ has grown.  Because it is not about putting my grades first anymore but about His children's lives.  I do not feel strong, wise, or good enough for the task but "when I am weak he is strong" (2 Cor 12:10b).  

And the truth is the only one who has truly forgotten is me. Forgotten that He is good.

He is good.

He is good.

He is good.

He is good.

He is good.

He is good.

And I recall a day of old when nothing seemed right so I drove to get away.  I found myself in the midst of my life being played out before my eyes by the wind and the waves with the sky glowing God's peace above as I was thrashing and throwing my heart and mind around.

The water seemed dark but when I paused and looked closer I saw the sky reflecting on the water, glowing the peaceful clouds and colors from above.  The tempestuous waters turned from a mixed up meaningless mess into a glorious glassy canvas reflecting peace amid the stormy waters.  And my heart found hope as the storm raged on.

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

-Colossians 3:12-17