What I want to do with my life

So here I am going to be completely honest... I haven't felt close to God in almost a year. I've prayed but I'm not all there, I want to be but then I don't. It's so confusing. I feel like I'm doing a lot better than I was last year but honestly I have a long way to go to get back where I was. I know that I'm supposed to work in some sort of ministry.

I feel like its student ministry but lately I just don't know if I'm cut out for that. I love kids especially middle schoolers but I feel like I'm meant for something else. And I know this sounds crazy but I almost feel like I'm supposed to heal people. Which so isn't me. I hate blood, sickness, and I could never take people dying. This week I prayed that God would open my eyes to where he wanted me to be. Every time I opened the Bible it was about healing people. That just freaked me out.

A passion of mine a couple years ago was to start a school for special needs children in the Bahamas. I always dreamed when I was old and retired I'd save up and be able to do that. When I was in middle school I went on the mission trip down there and we helped out at a special needs school. The stories of some of those kids are devastating. The way their parents treat them really hurt me.

There is so much I want to do and want to change but I just don't feel like I am the one to do it. I'm going through a difficult time because I'm the kind of person who likes to know everything about whats coming next. I'm almost a control freak in that way. I like to set things up so that I know I'm ready for the next things. So with this the fact that I don't know whats coming next scares me to death. I don't know who or where I'm going to be in 10 years. I have absolutely no idea.

I guess what I'm really asking for is your prayers. Just for me to understand what it is God wants me to do, and along with that just that I will do it. Because I have been to all about me and what I want I just kinda left God outside the door.